How to cheat at wine tastings

You must have noticed that the nation is in danger of being over-run with grape and tucker clubs. For a start we have all the Wine and Food Societies and Beefsteak and Burgundy Clubs. In numbers they are already threatening to overthrow Apex and the Lions, but on top of this we have all the private, very exclusive little societies that meet at the nicest of clubs and restaurants. Indeed, I know some tellows who belong to so many of these groups they are finding it diflicult to arrange an appointment tor a meal at home.

Yet in every club they go through the same awful ritual. All the bottles from the sherry through to the heavy artillery at the finish are wrapped in brown paper. In polite language they are masked.

So the happy enjoyment of your fillet mignon is destroyed by a speech making 90 minute marathon on a Guess-The-Wine Competition. The theory is that you stand up, describe the nose, the taste, precisely identify the age, the grape or blend grapes and then you infilliantly identify the area, the vineyard and perhaps even you superbly name the paddock in which the grapes were picked There are only about 20 people in the country who are any good at this. Oh, come now let's be generous 30 anyway. Yet Alf Bloggenheimer who works in an insurance office and gets to see a decent red once in a month is expected to compete, ovi hell° Finalauneuf du Pape described as a Dalwood Hermitage.

Then there was the lovely day when a Bernkastel Doktor was described in language that was nothing less than pure poetry. It turned out to be a cider made in South Australia.

The miserable truth is this, the majority of us will never be any good at this caper. One needs to get into a range of bottles, and good bottles, every day of one's life.

It takes at least 15 years to acquire a reasonable palate. This may not have been so difficult at one time, but what with the wine shortage and current prices, the cost is enormous.

The capital asset of a good palate must be worth between $5,000 and $10,000. I'm in the same boat as 99.9 per cent of the population. It is high time that someone came to our aid with a book titled "How to Cheat at Wine Tastings." This shouldn't be difficult. Already about 400 books on wine and food are coming out every year. I understand that wine and food is the second favourite subject with booksellers. It is right in there after sex.

Seeing that we might have to wait a year or two for this very important tome could one in the meantime give a series of cheat hints for be Either called upon to speak al way hold up your wine glass. Never hold it by the stem. Hold it by the Nat base of the glass between thumb and forefinger. Then, as you taik, Frequently put your hain.bad jult the glass, opinion. This looks terribly impressive.

First up it is important to have assessed the lunch. How much did the members pay $7, $10, $15? If they paid $7 it is pretty certain that you will be sticking to Australian wines, particularly if it is a big lunch. But if you have forked out $15 it is a monty that they will turn on French and German.

For a start let us presume it is not an over expensive lunch. Dip your nose into the glass, take a taste, cluck your tongue and point out that you find this wine has an extremely satisfying nose with perhaps just the faintest aroma of crushed violets. (That will really floor them. Nobody else has picked up the scent of violets. It just proves you have a much better sense of smell than they have.) Point out that you found this was a well-balanced wine (it's sure to be balanced some how or other) a wine which had spent time on good wood yet still showing some bottle age it must have got into a vat at some time or other and seeing that it now exists in a bottle is proof that it has bottle age).

You compliment the Wine Master for his superb choice in picking this wine to go with the main course today. (This gets you in good with the wine master and the food master at the same time, which is most important). If you can't proceed from there say that this is a wine made at least in part from shiraz or hermitage grapes (they're the same thing) and your belief is that it comes from South Australia. (Here you might be dead lucky. Most of our rea wine contains hermitage and four-fifths of it comes from South Australia.

Furthermore the cynical coots say four-fifths of the Hunter comes from South Australia as well.) But now for actually cheating. Get to the lunch good and early. There are a lot of sloppy wine masters and if you are lucky you might get a glimpse of a cork. Often you find them under the table or in a rubbish tin somewhere. It is absolutely in now for wine makers to label their corks and some, like Chateau Tahbilk, even have the crest of the vineyard. Find yourself a cork and you Take a good look at the bottle. There are clues here. For example, enfolds and Lindemans nearly always use green bottles, and there are different shapes for clarets and burgundies. French bottles are always rather superior to ours and if there's a punt in the bottom it is a fair bet it is imported.

Our green bottles are a brilliant vulgar green but a German Mosel green IS much more beautiful and the Alsatian green is different again; it is a more misty, a subtler green. The Rhine Mosel too tends to be in a slightly more stubby bottle. Bottles shapes can be very indicative. One of the Stoneyfell wines is in a short fat bottle and Peter Walker of Rhine Castle told of the day at a wine luncheon when one gentleman brilliantly told the assemblage that this was a Pape Clements claret from Grave. Afterwards Peter discovered the secret.

All Pape Clements bottles have a special seal on the glass and you can feel it under the brown Pinion again poi have to know your wine master. Some of them can be real mean and decant the wine. But if the wine is obviously eight or nine years old and you are getting no sediment in your glass then you'll know some real hanky panky is going on.

Be careful, just quietly suggest you feel this is an imported wine. Seals are a help. Penfolds have very distinetive plastic type capsule, which is hard to miss. McWilliams Mount Pleasant too have a very distinctive type of grey capsule and if this has been left on the bottle things are beaut.

Waffle on for about five minutes about the beauty of this wine. How you feel it was made from a hermitage or maybe a pinot grape (That's all they have at Mount Pleasant) and then say, you may be wrong, but frankly you have the feeling it was made by Brian Walsh at Mount Pleasant. (Triumph) French reds normally have splendid red capsules and with a little practice you can pick them up so that you will be able to say, "Of course, this could only be a Bordeaux red." As for German wines these mostly have creamy capsules and always they are magnificently done, with gorgeous crests and so on.

As for the ports, the great vintage ports of Portugal, these are dipped in black sea lini wadi and ovid Nbi on the bottle. See a drop of wax and this will enable you to prove to all the perspicacity of your taste buds. Many winemasters automatically decant their vintage ports, but don't give up. There are a few old hands about who believe it is murder to the wine, any wine, to remove it from its original container. There are just a few tips on how to show off your brilliance at wine tastings, and perhaps the framework for a book on the subject. Meanwhile I want to improve my performance, so if you have any secret lurks of your own for Heaven's sake write to Gourmet and let me know.